W.W.B.D.?

Go to any high school across the country and you'll find pretty much the same thing.  Group of geeks, group of gothics, group of jocks, group of preps, group of "likes to fight" guys.  That's it...everywhere.  There are a few people that ascend above the stereotypes and become basically the cool kid at your school.  At FHS, we called this kid "Biz".

Business, or Biz for short, was all about the almighty dollar from a young age.  Hauling lumber or selling knives, you never knew what Biz would be into.  Only thing you knew was that he was raking in the dough.  Biz was loved by all...basically was the emotional leader of the entire school.  The type of person you'd like to pattern your life after.  In that spirit, I'd like to take a stab at What Would Biz Do? in the following 3 situations.

1.  Not sure whether to take a date to your class reunion?

The Biz would not bring a date.  Biz would show up at the reunion, and walk up to the mic.  "Wassup ya'll....it's the Biz.  All you ladies out there, Biz is in the house to satisfy.  Fellas, better keep a hold of your ladies, cuz Biz doesn't care if they're married or not."  You see the genius of the Biz when you dissect this.  In my line of work we call this "the law of large numbers".  Basically the larger the pool of people surveyed, the risk associated decreases.  Biz doesn't limit himself to just one lady, but the entire pool of ladies at the reunion.

2.  Money lost in your 401(k)?

Find a way to make it up.  Grab a couple of your friends and patsies and shoot some dice until you make up the difference.

3.  Not sure how to motivate your office team?

Round everyone up in the conference room.  Water your face and hair down, so you get that shiny Biz look.  Look your team in the eyes, and tell them repeatedly to "Go out and get it from the it".  If they question you, just repeat that phrase, but louder.

While You Were Sleeping......

...we've been making moves.  "We" you ask?  Answer - Tax Man and me.  "What kinda moves" you wonder?  The kind of moves that involve shutting off your heat and standing in front of your open freezer door nude until your body shuts down.

I haven't slept in weeks.  I despise the fact that I need to waste half of my day clothed in a warm office, but with the economy being what it is, our financiers recommended we keep our jobs until the deal is finalized.  Negotiations are going well...not as quick as we would like.  Things got a little heated at the last meeting when a banker attempted to explain that a deal like this has never been proposed, much less acted on, so it will take time.  It even surprised me as I watched Tax Man's open hand smack this gentleman's face.  "Why did you just slap me?"  No response from Tax Man...just an ice cold stare.  We need this.

With tragedy comes opportunity.  Opportunity needs to be seized.  Iceland is broke.  Since the day I was born, the only thing I've ever wanted is to own Iceland.  I didn't know that Tax Man felt the same way until we were campaigning earlier this year.  So we are buying it.  After the purchase, sweeping changes will begin.

1.  We will kidnap one of our close friends, who at the present time will remain nameless, using force.  We've identified him/her because of his/her proficiency in the popular "Sim City" PC game.  Using torture, we will force our friend to create the backbone of our country.  After everything is built and tested, we will properly "dispose" of our friend.  This entire process will be overseen by Tax Man.

2.  Concurrently, I will be evacuating everyone from Iceland.  By official decree, we have banned any current or former citizens.  The logic behind starting a "scratch" country rests in the reason we were able to purchase it.  They had their chance, blew it, and we don't want them contaminating our country anymore.  Anyone refusing to leave will be jailed without food until they change their mind.

3.  After emptying Iceland, any non-former citizen will be eligible to apply for citizenship as long as they are female.  The application process will be two-part, very discriminatory, and broadcast using our existing infrastructure for revenue.  The first part will have similarities to current popular "reality" TV shows, pitting the applicants against each other in quirky situations.  The details of the second part haven't been fleshed out completely, but there was talk of oil wrestling.

The winners becoming the "Founding Women" of our country.

4.  The new name for our country will be derogatory.  We currently have a few in mind, but don't want to put the cart in front of the horse.

VIVA ICELAND!