W.W.B.D.?

Go to any high school across the country and you'll find pretty much the same thing.  Group of geeks, group of gothics, group of jocks, group of preps, group of "likes to fight" guys.  That's it...everywhere.  There are a few people that ascend above the stereotypes and become basically the cool kid at your school.  At FHS, we called this kid "Biz".

Business, or Biz for short, was all about the almighty dollar from a young age.  Hauling lumber or selling knives, you never knew what Biz would be into.  Only thing you knew was that he was raking in the dough.  Biz was loved by all...basically was the emotional leader of the entire school.  The type of person you'd like to pattern your life after.  In that spirit, I'd like to take a stab at What Would Biz Do? in the following 3 situations.

1.  Not sure whether to take a date to your class reunion?

The Biz would not bring a date.  Biz would show up at the reunion, and walk up to the mic.  "Wassup ya'll....it's the Biz.  All you ladies out there, Biz is in the house to satisfy.  Fellas, better keep a hold of your ladies, cuz Biz doesn't care if they're married or not."  You see the genius of the Biz when you dissect this.  In my line of work we call this "the law of large numbers".  Basically the larger the pool of people surveyed, the risk associated decreases.  Biz doesn't limit himself to just one lady, but the entire pool of ladies at the reunion.

2.  Money lost in your 401(k)?

Find a way to make it up.  Grab a couple of your friends and patsies and shoot some dice until you make up the difference.

3.  Not sure how to motivate your office team?

Round everyone up in the conference room.  Water your face and hair down, so you get that shiny Biz look.  Look your team in the eyes, and tell them repeatedly to "Go out and get it from the it".  If they question you, just repeat that phrase, but louder.

While You Were Sleeping......

...we've been making moves.  "We" you ask?  Answer - Tax Man and me.  "What kinda moves" you wonder?  The kind of moves that involve shutting off your heat and standing in front of your open freezer door nude until your body shuts down.

I haven't slept in weeks.  I despise the fact that I need to waste half of my day clothed in a warm office, but with the economy being what it is, our financiers recommended we keep our jobs until the deal is finalized.  Negotiations are going well...not as quick as we would like.  Things got a little heated at the last meeting when a banker attempted to explain that a deal like this has never been proposed, much less acted on, so it will take time.  It even surprised me as I watched Tax Man's open hand smack this gentleman's face.  "Why did you just slap me?"  No response from Tax Man...just an ice cold stare.  We need this.

With tragedy comes opportunity.  Opportunity needs to be seized.  Iceland is broke.  Since the day I was born, the only thing I've ever wanted is to own Iceland.  I didn't know that Tax Man felt the same way until we were campaigning earlier this year.  So we are buying it.  After the purchase, sweeping changes will begin.

1.  We will kidnap one of our close friends, who at the present time will remain nameless, using force.  We've identified him/her because of his/her proficiency in the popular "Sim City" PC game.  Using torture, we will force our friend to create the backbone of our country.  After everything is built and tested, we will properly "dispose" of our friend.  This entire process will be overseen by Tax Man.

2.  Concurrently, I will be evacuating everyone from Iceland.  By official decree, we have banned any current or former citizens.  The logic behind starting a "scratch" country rests in the reason we were able to purchase it.  They had their chance, blew it, and we don't want them contaminating our country anymore.  Anyone refusing to leave will be jailed without food until they change their mind.

3.  After emptying Iceland, any non-former citizen will be eligible to apply for citizenship as long as they are female.  The application process will be two-part, very discriminatory, and broadcast using our existing infrastructure for revenue.  The first part will have similarities to current popular "reality" TV shows, pitting the applicants against each other in quirky situations.  The details of the second part haven't been fleshed out completely, but there was talk of oil wrestling.

The winners becoming the "Founding Women" of our country.

4.  The new name for our country will be derogatory.  We currently have a few in mind, but don't want to put the cart in front of the horse.

VIVA ICELAND!

Time To Play "Is This Funny...Or Highly Illegal"

That's right gang...it's time for another round of "Is This Funny...Or Highly Illegal". The setting for our episode today is a HYPOTHETICAL workplace. This HYPOTHETICAL workplace consists of a receptionist desk, a conference room able to seat 12 people, and commons area containing ten cubicals, You know the drill...determine whether the following comments/situations are funny or highly illegal.

1. Setting: Commons Area. From inside his cube, a man loudly says "Hey Wenders XP (comical nickname for Wendy), I just found your twin on my Yahoo page. Come here quick, you won't believe this!" Wendy takes a long walk to this man's cubicle to see a picture on his screen of a dark skinned woman looking nothing like her"

2. Setting: Commons Area (immediately after #1). The man loudly tells Wendy "That girl looks like you....I'm going to stalk her!"

3. Setting: Receptionist Area. In an effort to show office team building, a man inquiries how well two new employees are performing. "Hey Shelly...any idea how Karen's new bimbos' are doing?"

4. Setting: Receptionist Area. "Hey Wenders XP, what's that you're eating? A little Irish stew? Or is that Mexican stew?"

5. Setting: Receptionist Area. "What's the matter Wendy, never seen a guy put on a rubber before?" To which Wendy replies, "What do you think? I have 3 kids."

6. Setting: Commons Area. Man shots from out of his cubical "Hey Josie, when you gonna bring in some of those Phillipeano pastries?" Josie, the new employee of Phillipeano decent, doesn't reply.

7. Setting: Commons Area. Man overhears one side of a conversation his colleague is having on the phone. After the call ends, he asks from inside his cube, "Hey Scotter (comical nickname for Scott), did that person from BV need to AXE you some questions?" The African American employee that sits next to the man speaking to Scott says nothing.

8. Setting: Commons Area. "I think that damn temp they gave us can't read"

9. Setting: Receptionist Area. "Give it to me....just stick it in!"

10. Setting: Receptionist Area. New female employee proclaims, "Wendy is a busy beaver! Oh, that's an unfortunate choice of words. God, now I'm just being naughty."

11. Setting: Commons Area. Speaking on the phone with a client, employee states, "I'm already on page 69 and still no sex!"

12. Setting: Receptionist Area. Helpful colleague states, "You want to know how to lose some weight? POLE DANCE! Yep, that's what their doing these days...I saw in on YouTube."

13. Setting: Receptionist Area. Colleague explaining his night to Wendy, "I had a dream last night that I delivered your baby. I grew up on a farm, that's probably why."

14. Setting: Receptionist Area. Wendy tells employee, "Just put it in my box and I'll take care of it"

15. Setting: Receptionist Area. Employee states, "Thanks for cranking that out for me." Wendy replies, "No problem...anytime!"

16. Setting: Receptionist Area. Wendy asks, "How big is it?" Employee responds, "IMMENSE"

17. Setting: Commons Area. Angered/confused man screams, "What the shittin' hell?"

18. Setting: Commons Area. Man exclaims on the phone to his client, "That son-of-a-bitch is not going to be laughing when I put a six inch hole in his chest."

19. Setting: Conference Room. During a presentation by an outside wholesaler, the discussion turns to the wholesaler's support team. A collegue looks around while stating "Hello, I am from the service center...how can I help you?" in a poorly put together Indian accent. The Phillipeano employee seated next to him doesn't say anything.

GOOD LUCK!

Top Ten Signs Bernard Madoff Was A Crook

1. For the past eight years, he didn't pass a pay phone without checking the coin-return slot.
2. Account statements were handwritten notes on the back of cocktail napkins.
3. He always won the NCAA Bracket challenge he ran.
4. With a name like "Made-Off", what else could he do?
5. Repeatedly spotted nose-deep in a yellow covered book entitled "Running a Ponzi Scheme for Dummies".
6. Madoff was on record as being staunchly against the Hammer/Daddy ticket.
7. When asked about his constantly outperforming trading strategy, he responded with "...agh...(cough)...Haha...Well, I can tell you one thing - This is NOT a ponzi scheme designed to steal $80B from charities...Haha...agh...".
8. He paid the boatsman half for only finishing half of the job when painting the name "Bull" on his yacht.
9. The FatHead of Frank Abagnale in his office.
10. After seeing his first round fantasy draft pick go down with a season ending injury, refusing to pay his entrance fee.

Mark Morrison's Commentary on the Current Financial Crisis

During the past twelve months, many questions have been asked regarding our current situation -

"How in god's name did a couple of mortgage brokers destroy the global economy?"
"Why has it taken so long for another post on our blog?"
"Who the hell fell asleep at the wheel watching this house of cards?"
"Do tongue rings serve any purpose other than...."

Seems every place I go, some "genius" has the answer for this global systemic failure, and they reach both ends of the spectrum. Only person that truly has the solution and has been warning about this for years - Mark Morrison. He prophecized about this some years ago in a parable he entitled "Return of the Mack"

Oh, oo-o-oh, come on, ooh, yeah
Well I tried to tell you so (yes, I did)
But I guess you didn't know, as I said the story goes
Baby, now I got the flow
'Cos I knew it from the start
Baby, when you broke my heart
That I had to come again, and show you that I'm real
(You lied to me) all those times I said that I love you
(You lied to me) yes, I tried, yes, I tried
(You lied to me) even though you know I'd die for you
(You lied to me) yes, I cried, yes, I cried

The lying, the greed, the hasty use of credit default swaps and other derivatives, the orgy of leverage were all things he tried to warn us about. He tried and tried and tried but we wouldn't listen....even when he started crying we just laughed at him behind his back.

1-(Return of the Mack) it is
(Return of the Mack) come on
(Return of the Mack) oh my God
(You know that I'll be back) here I am
(Return of the Mack) once again
(Return of the Mack) pump up the world
(Return of the Mack) watch my flow
(You know that I'll be back) here I go
So I'm back up in the game
Running things to keep my swing
Letting all the people know
That I'm back to run the show
'Cos what you did, you know, was wrong
And all the nasty things you've done
So, baby, listen carefully
While I sing my come-back song

Although he was mocked, Morrison's love for us common folk have brought him back again to fix this. His flow has opened the credit market, and he's letting all the people know to follow in his footsteps and flow. He is the one running this thing. Not Paulson. Not Bernakee. Not Barney Frank. Morrison is back baby! You don't even know what his flow is going to do next, but if it's anything like what it did for the credit markets I'll take a double flow. Shining example of his flow - we lose 500,000+ jobs and the market gains ground.

2-(You lied to me) 'cos she said she'd never turn on me (You lied to me) but you did, but you do (You lied to me) all these pains you said I'd never feel (You lied to me) but I do, but I do, do, do (Return of the Mack) here it is (Return of the Mack) hold on (Return of the Mack) don't you know (You know that I'll be back) here I go (Return of the Mack) oh little girl (Return of the Mack) wants my pearl (Return of the Mack) up and down (You know that I'll be back) round and round

Companies, Rating Agencies, CEO's...they all lied and caused much pain, even to Morrison. What, did they think he wouldn't be back? Well, he is, and he's serving those busta's a bunch of pearls, which no doubt means a brass knuckle punch to the neck.

(You know that I'll be back) don't you know
(Return of the Mack) here it is
(Return of the Mack) hold on
(Return of the Mack) be strong
(You know that I'll be back) here I go
(Return of the Mack) my little girl
(Return of the Mack) wants my pearl
(Return of the Mack) up and down
(You know that I'll be back) round and round

Mark Morrison is our leader, follow your leader! Be strong! Spread your flow....if not, we could exacerbate our problems.

The Legend of the Red Baron

Details are hazy, but spent the better part of my week researching and interviewing some of the sharpest minds this world has to offer to fill in the gaps. My memory was jogged by running into Michelle/Nicole Rader last week, and our conversation turned to the time we all went up to her relatives property.

Setting - Vacant land in Glen Arbor, MI

Date - No idea....summer, maybe 4-5 years ago

Characters - Raders, Rader's brother and his crew (think Doughboy's brother was there), Deboer, Dave Schroreder, Caulky, Bret & Nate Walters, Knoll, Knoll's little brother (guest appearance), Daddy, Newman, Savage, Phil, Amy T, Lynsey Warington, TOR, Tracey Lake, Balbach and his sister, and others

When we arrived, Rader's brother's crew had already set up camp. They seemed surprised, almost shocked, to see the fifteen of us show up and start unpacking our gear. There agitation increased when we had to rearrange their stuff a little to better accommodate our group. I believe their tolerance reached its limit when Rader's brother began yelling at Deboer. Deboer and Dave, in an attempt to enhance our setup, had decided that we needed Dave's full size truck by our tents so we could listen to the radio. This was a problem because there was not enough clearance between branches to fit a vehicle through. Well, Deboer got out his machete and started hacking off branches to create an opening....problem solved, right? One would have thought so, but Rader's brother was NOT to keen on the idea. When all of his protesting ceased, he saw it Deboer's way and ultimately enjoyed the radio the rest of the week.

We hit the beach hard the first day. On the way to the beach, Rader invited us on a booze cruise in the afternoon. Plans were falling into place. Got to the beach, and the girls were looking GOOD son! We were doing our thing, not attracting women, soaking up the sun, preparing for our booze cruise. Some of us were getting more sun than others, notably Newman, but he didn't have much of a base to begin with. By the time we left, he was already a deep red/purple color. We approached Rader's grandparents house, and the 15 of us headed straight for the pontoon, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. As I boarded the vessel, I faintly heard some elderly person mention a "small craft advisory", but assumed they must be joking. Phil piloted the vessel, with a towel wrapped around his neck. A group was also out in the water in a speed boat, and for some reason they were bringing us Knoll's car keys. It must have been decided that a toss would be easier than a hand-off, so they threw the keys to Knoll. 25 sets of eyes watched as the keys hit the water, and quickly sunk to the bottom. This left Knoll in a tough situation, but we had bigger problems. The wind was blowing hard and Phil had somehow put us in a position where our pontoon was taking on water at an alarming pace.....and we were in the center of the lake. At one point the entire front was capsized...we had people running from the front to the back of the boat....ON PHIL'S COMMAND?!?! Finally, TOR (110 lbs) and Radar (90 lbs) decided their combined weigh was too much for our ship and moreover they would rather take their chances swimming in than leave their lives in Phil's hands. Fools....as fate would have it Phil had everything under control.

Knoll's little brother drove 300 miles to give Chris his spare set of keys, but that's not all he brought. Also in his bag was a half gallon of vodka which he spent the week cutting with Gatorade. He also brought with him many outrageous call-outs, prompting Chris to mention "that's blood baby, that's blood" more than once. Deboer found his puppet, and shortly after Knoll's brothers arrival he left with Deboer and Deboer's crew to go "2-tracking" and "maybe do some shooting". As we sat around the campfire, Savage was game-planning before he went to bed early. He made it very clear to us that under no circumstances should we allow Amy T to follow him into his tent. Like the Nostradamus he is, it wasn't five minutes after he went into his tent that the lovely Amy T followed. She wasn't given much time to seduce, because shortly after she entered, she heard yelling from the campfire - "Savage, come here quick. My cock is bigger than it has ever been". We are told that the next words she heard were from Savage and they were - "Oh shit! Daddy's got his cock out! I gotta see this". And he did.

The rest of the night consisted of booze, smoke, Newman complaining about his sunburn, Knoll's little brother getting Caulky pukey drunk and passing out in the bed of the truck, and was capped with rain. So we all went to our respective tents, but because of the heat radiating off of his sunburn, Newman chose to sleep in the "sun room" of his tent. The "sun room" had mesh walls, but he was instructed that as long as he didn't touch the walls, water wouldn't get in. He awoke in a puddle of water, which no doubt had a soothing effect on his sunburn. He left early the next morning.

Editors Note: Found it weird than when speaking to Phil last week, he asked if this is the trip that he and I shared a tent and he sleep nude.

Biggest Bar Night Ever........EVER!

I don't claim to know a whole lot about "cool" (I suppressed "fashion", "Greek mythology", and "crazy hot sex" for the sake of length), but up until last Wednesday I could have sworn the "cool" thing to do was to go out to your hometown bars the night before Thanksgiving. I thought this was a time honored tradition...like circumcism, but I have come to realize both have come in question.

The night before Thanksgiving was big time, don't get me wrong. We started the night with a small crew at the tap room. Your usual HITTERS, doing what we do. Catching up with everyone, reliving high school stories, etc... As you might expect, we starting reciting lines from movies when the conversation got dull - "That's right, Iceman, I am dangerous" "One, Two, Ten....Oswald was a fag" "Dropping loads all over" "Oh, who are you? Isaac Fucking Newton". You know, lines from all the hits. What's that you say, you aren't familiar with one of the quotes? Which one? As it turns out, most others weren't aware and were quite startled when Phil loudly stated this to the bar. Upon inquiry, we found our friend has taking a liking to the work of Nick Manning (or HERE if you are NOT at work...do NOT click if at work and your volume is on). I can't speak for the others, but I became very concerned for Phil when I realized about 80% of what he said that night was actually things he had heard Mr. Manning say at some point in time. While most of us were excited to get back together, Phil couldn't stop talking about how his man was going to release ring tones. Forgive me, for this could just be me showing how out of touch with "cool" I actually am.

Barber, Graham, Balbach, please do not read further.

As the night progressed, we made our way to Main Street....place was packed! Schultz was manning (Phil, by "manning" I mean operating, not a reference to your guy) the door, on the lookout I'm sure for the perpetrators that vandalized his state of the art restroom. As we walked in further, we saw Phil Hall sitting on a chair overlooking the room making sure trouble did not break out. I'm fairly confident this was not a contracted position he was receiving compensation for, but oddly no one was really surprised.

Quick digression - Watching the Missouri game...are the big ass Dr. Seuss hats still cool? What in the hell is going on...where do they breed these people? Oh, just answered my own question.

We saw a couple of men in uniform at Main Street. I figured I would thank them for their service, so I approached them only to be cut off by Phil Zeilinger, his wife, and Matt Kasawski. Phil is not stable, so I chose to wait my turn, but soon realized Phil was not there to thank them. Rather, Phil was attempting to point out that they were wearing their gear incorrectly. Is this cool? Is it possible that Phil forgot he was dishonorably discharged from the Armed Forces 10 years ago and further he would find it a challenge instructing someone how to cook a hot dog? We left Main Street, went to Hook's. Young, unattractive crowd...left shortly after arriving.

Someone help me.....Biggest Bar Night.....not cool now?